I can’t possibly count how many times I’ve been on the receiving end of flattering yet embarrassing stares. As a mom of four – – ages 12, 11, 10 and 5 – – I can’t go anywhere (the grocery store, the library, the pediatrician, etc.) without all eyes falling on me. And I can tell the gawking men, women and children are all thinking wistfully, “Wow – she is so lucky. I wonder what it would be like to her for just a day.”
So, I have decided to give the people a treat. I’ve taken note of the Top 10 most bizarre utterances that came out of my mouth in recent weeks; utterances that truly capture the enviable life of a mom of four.
I hope you will enjoy this brief walk in my worn out shoes.
TOP 10 BIZARRE UTTERANCES:
1 – “Stop letting the dog lick your boogers.”
My little Coton De Tulear is not quite as fancy as his name suggests. He is very happy to roll around in the grass; he spends far more time getting up close and personal with his precious parts than I ever imagined possible; and he has a taste for all things salty – including and especially boogers. If you are having an allergy attack, or crying, or have a case of the sniffles – – watch your back. He’s coming for you. My daughters actually allow him full access to their noses – which is as disturbing as it is disgusting.
2 – “Why are you smelling my butt?”
This time, I’m not talking about my dog. My 5-year-old boy has an unnatural attachment to my rear end. He pats it, he holds on to it – and most recently, he’s become fond of coming up behind me while I’m paying at the grocery store or on line at the post office. He buries his head back there and inhales deeply. Thankfully – he typically finishes this ritual with the proclamation, “Your butt smells so good!” (which I think is because he’s really smelling my laundry detergent and fabric softener).
3 – “Of course Poopie can come out to dinner – – it is his birthday, after all.”
Perhaps you’ve read the entry about Luca’s imaginary friend – Poopie. If not, you’re missing out – here’s the link:
Rest assured, we almost never leave home without “Poopie.”
4 – “You absolutely can not use your opera voice in the movie theater.”
Luca likes to sing. For some reason, he enjoys singing in full opera style. And while his falsetto is something to be admired, people who are watching a movie would likely not be smitten with his performance.
5 – “No, your friends aren’t quite right. If Donald Trump wins, he won’t make EVERYONE leave the country.”
Please know – I am not a Trump supporter. But – I’m also not a fear mongerer. My poor 10-year-old son literally lost sleep because his friends at school informed him that some of them, and their parents, would be forced to leave the country if Trump won. That indeed – Trump would make EVERYONE leave the country. Now, maybe that’s just a campaign message I have not yet heard. But I have to believe it would be very boring to be President of a country with population: 0.
6 – “I didn’t get to the store – have potato chips as your vegetable.”
7 – “You’ll have to hold it in. I don’t care what it does to your colon, we are not using the bathroom here.”
Am I the only one who would almost prefer my kid pees/poops in his/her pants rather than take said child to a public restroom? Whatever. I’m OCD and I’m proud. If I can hold it in, so can they! Future digestive issues be damned!
8 – “I do not have favorites – – just sometimes, I like her better.”
I love all my children exactly the same. But, if you have more than one kid, you know what I mean. On any given day – in any given hour – there is a child I like better than the other ones. He/she is the one who in that singular moment is not repeating my name, or yelling at another sibling, or leaving dirty underwear on the floor, or leaving the toilet unflushed, or looking at his food with disdain, or doing any other thing in the infinite list of things that annoy me.
9 – “Wear these socks. I know they don’t match – consider it a fashion statement. Tomorrow’s laundry day.”
Again – self-explanatory.
10 – “Don’t brush your teeth naked.”
Why do I even have to say this?
So – there you have it. And yes, it is as awesome as it sounds. Be jealous.