“Why is Your Butt Growing Bigger Every Day?”

Those of you who know me well are very aware that exercise and I are not friends.  Diet and I don’t really get along either.  Chick-fil-a Cookies n Cream ice dream shakes and I?  Best buds.  Binge watching HGTV while snuggling my puppy on the couch?  Yes, please.  Go for a run?  Sure – – if there’s something large and ferocious chasing me.  Cut out carbs?  Absolutely – as long as that doesn’t include pasta, potatoes or cake.

This standard of living typically suits me just fine, but on occasion, I become suddenly and inexplicably motivated to change it up; to improve myself; to slim down and/or buff up for swimming pool season.  And such an urge struck me a few weeks back – – but I knew I wouldn’t be joining a gym or attending a class so I did what any suburban mom does: I posed the question to my Facebook friends.  What exercise DVD do you do at home that is fun and easy? (Obviously if it’s fun and easy, it’s got to be TOTALLY effective, right?)

I got a bunch of recommendations for Shaun T’s “Cize” – but I wasn’t feeling the $80 investment in something I may/may not follow through on (history would dictate “may not” was much more likely).  But I found a couple of other older Shaun T workouts for less money on Amazon – and I began my latest exercise journey. (Maybe “journey” is misleading – a “journey” implies a trip of great length and meaning; perhaps “overnighter” may be more apropos.)

Here’s the great news:  I actually really really like Shaun T.  Unlike Jillian Michaels and her 30 Day (Dignity) Shred, Shaun never yells at me, or says snarky things like “soon you’ll look just like her, right? [sarcastic smirk] Suuure.”  No no.  Shaun T. says things like “You’re cute.”  And “I’m gonna make you fly!”  Ok Shaun – let’s do this!  Oh yeah – and it doesn’t hurt that he has crazy abs and does all the workouts shirtless.  Amen.

So – I have been RELIGIOUSLY doing my Shaun T routines.  I am grooving my Rockin’ Body.  I am working my Hip Hop Abs.  Stop laughing at me – I am digging DEEP here.  Luca is unfortunately often put in the position to shut off Mickey or Miles from Tomorrowland for a brief while so mommy could get her groove on.  He’s been pretty patient about it.  And – he even started paying me some great compliments.  One time last week he said my tummy was getting so skinny that it might get as “skinny as paper.”  It won’t – – bless his little kind heart.

But then came yesterday.  I’m doing my Disco Grooves, feeling fairly proud of myself and impressed with my newly rediscovered dance moves.  I’m totally getting into the final combo – when I have to take all the moves and put them together into an amazing, sweaty,  high-energy dance routine.  And right then – I hear Luca say, “Mommy – why is your butt growing bigger and bigger every day?”

If you just spit out your coffee, whether from laughing or disdain, wait.  It gets worse (better?).  I immediately froze.  No cool down for me today, Shaun T.  I paused the DVD.  Panting, sweating and a little dizzy, I turned to Luca, who was in his tool bench pajamas and for some reason – a pink hairband, laying on the couch, cuddling his MiMi (a stuffed lamb that has been with him since Day 1) and sucking his thumb.  He looked so sweet; not at all like the devil-spawn who just asked about my expanding posterior.  I said, “What’d ya say?”  Because maybe I heard him wrong – or maybe he misspoke, like a verbal typo, and he really meant to say “SMALLER.”  But it came out pretty much the same way – only stronger.

“I said – your BUTT is getting BIGGER and BIGGER EVERY DAY!!!  WHY???”

When I finished laughing (or crying. or some mixture of the two), I said, “Is it bad that my butt is growing?”  And he didn’t miss a beat.  He jumped up off the couch, stood behind me – seemingly checking it out before deciding on his answer – and then he came around with a sweet smile and said, “No – I like it!  It’s easier for me to see you now.”

So, my Rockin Body and Hip Hop Abs are giving me a paper thin belly and a homing beacon butt.  Good thing Shaun T is fun to watch.  Pass the Haagen-Dazs!